Separate the Association from the Thing

We moved into our apartment under duress.  Suffice to say, I had to find us a place to live between the funeral and shiva for my mother.  I barely remember seeing the apartment or signing papers.  It is for this reason I hated my home.

To be fair, the apartment is much smaller than the one we were supposed to move into, it’s designed in a cramped way and the management consistently behaves in an ugly manner.  But, really, it was the association that made me hate it.

This smaller apartment has a lot going for it.  On a clear day, it has an incredible view over the Hudson River all the way to the mountains of New Jersey; it’s flooded with light, the sunsets are wow, the kitchen was renovated with shiny appliances, and the small closet houses a washer dryer.  (Yes, a washer/dryer IN the apartment.)

But I couldn’t separate the sadness and anger about my mother from the apartment.

Recently, something shifted.  I got tired of being angry at an inanimate object.

The building is still cramped and run inefficiently, and the apartment is smaller than I’d like, but I’ve been able to know that without anger.   I see lost opportunity on the part of management, but I also know this is a very fine, temporary situation for my family and me.

I was associating the Thing, the apartment, with the anger about Mom’s passing, and I held on like a pit bull.  The longer time has passed, the more I see the association was holding me back from finding ways to be ok with the reality.  Now I can open up to the possibility of what is.

Do you feel anger at something and do you direct it at your boss or desk chair or office location?  You’re not alone.  Anger at not living in the city you prefer, not having time to date, eating poorly because of work demands…These may all be valid truths, but feeling angry is no way to live.  It messes with your sleep, your skin, your digestion.  It messes with your heart and your laughter and your life.

Find the courage to define the source of the anger you’re associating with what Thing.  Once you name it, it sets you free.