Go for it, rock star

Disrespect at work is common.  Bosses talk to employees as if they were, let’s say it, stupid.  Of course it stems from the bosses insecurity, but knowing that alone doesn’t change the situation.  And it’s most common to hand down whatever has been handed to you.  Think of abusive parents and the kids who carry that forward with their own kids.

It’s totally possible to stop the cycle and you can be the one to do it.

In Harriet Lerner’s book, The Dance of Anger, she talks about how it takes 2 people to dance and when one stops, the other must as well.  When your boss treats you disrespectfully and then you pass that on, what you’re passing on is your anger at being treated disrespectfully.  And your boss is probably doing the same thing.  You and your boss are in a dance of anger.  And then you perpetuate that dance with your direct reports.

If this is your current modus operandi, stop dancing.  It’s really that simple.  Step away and consider a new approach.  Recognize that your heart is racing and your blood is boiling, not because she handed you a crummy project, but because she handed it to you in a disrespectful way.  Breathe and count to twenty (ten is too short!) and articulate how you’d like to be spoken to.  Then speak that way to your boss and your direct reports.

In other words, if she had acknowledged the crummyness and laughed with you about how it’s got to get done and you’re so reliable so thank you for taking this on, you’d probably walk out feeling like a rock star.  It really does come down to how we treat each other, not the project itself.

It takes energy and commitment to stop the dance of anger, the cycle of disrespect, and start the joyous dance of respectful partnership.  But it’s possible and can start immediately.  It’s ok to do it 3 times and then fall off the horse.  Get back on it and go for it again.  Ripples go out and slowly people start following your lead.

Go for it, rock star.