Ch ch ch changes Part Two
“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”
― John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
Last week I wrote about change and how to shift our thinking to help us get through change. I forgot to mention one huge component of shifting thinking and it only occurred to me as I was doing it this weekend: grieving.
Grieving is a funny thing; it grows into a monster unless we invite it to sit at the table with us. It’s like anxiety or sadness. The more we try to ignore it, the more it grows into a green, slimy blob oozing it’s way into our clean and orderly lives.
Whether you’re experiencing change in a relationship, a job or a home, there’s loss. The healthiest thing we can do is to identify that loss and grieve it.
You might have been ready to leave the [relationship/job/apartment], but chances are likely you [dated/took it/moved in] thinking it would be good, or maybe even great. That space between what you thought it would be versus what it was is called Loss. It is that missing “thing” that you thought would be there but isn’t.
Honor this Loss by acknowledging and holding it in your heart. Naming your Loss really helps it feel seen, heard and understood, which expedites its departure.
“I’m so sad this [relationship/job/apartment] wasn’t what I wanted. It’s a [adjective] loss for me because I thought [fill this in with words from your heart.]”
For some people, this is enough to help move forward from Loss. For others, they need to declare the ramifications of the Loss. It’s personal how far you need to go to release the sadness/anger/hurt you’re experiencing, but just starting is the key. Grief is real and energy demanding, and the sooner you embrace it, the sooner it will dissipate. Not disappear, dissipate.
You will carry the sadness of this Loss forever. The sooner you grieve, the less powerful it will be. It is a part of you now, so you may want to make friends with it as soon as possible.
Why was I grieving this weekend?
My mother, whom I lost 2 years ago, was celebrated at a beautiful event to unveil a bench carved in memory of her by her friend Ken Packie, an incredible artist. It was a joyous and wrenching celebration of my Mom. I miss her forever.
My family and I moved out of my city of 27 years to a nearby town that is beautiful. I miss my city and all it’s crazy crowded chaotic energy and insanely priced convenience. I thought I’d never leave it, but it wasn’t being kind to us the last few years and that makes me sad.
An engagement with a client ended. The work we did together filled my heart with excitement and hope and now it’s time to move on.
Note that I didn’t once add the ‘what’s good about it” piece of the story. That was hard for me because stating what’s good is my default. There are plenty of good things to say about the bench, our new home and the wonderful client. But sometimes you just need to stay with the sad stuff for a few minutes to give it a proper airing and ready it for release into the ether. Done right, only a tiny smidgen of Loss sticks around and it feels good to remember the Loss because it’s tied to hope, excitement, and hopefully some happy memories.
p.s Ken Packie’s incredible wood sculptures can be found at: http://www.spotteddogwf.com/