Personally, I Don’t Take It Personally (NTiP)

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“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

Years ago an email I sent to a friend never reached her.  It was about a brunch I was having and she was invited.  She found out about the brunch and yelled hurtful statements at me.  I thought she had ended our friendship over this ridiculous misunderstanding and was hurt, sad and angry.  A mutual friend of ours said that it wasn’t up to this person to end our friendship.  It had to be both of us agreeing to that.  I could continue in the friendship if I wanted.  I needed no permission to consider her a friend.

I was awed by this concept and truly didn’t understand it for years.  But now I get it.   I can choose my path no matter what the other person does or says.

Let’s segue to work relationships, shall we?

Imagine receiving a snarky email from a colleague.  It’s a sarcastic voice accusing you of not doing something, under the guise of a sweet query.  Ewww.  Many paths are available to you; which one will you take?

  • A snarky response may give you that adrenaline rush of #@*!!, but it will fuel a snarky relationship that will suck your spirit dry and probably bite you in the derriere.
  • An apologetic response may placate for the moment but likely leave you in a position of submission in this relationship.  You know, the bunny that jumps whenever she is asked to.  Ewww.
  • A cold and abrupt response will probably confuse things even more.  Without context, communication is a disaster.

And so, of course, I want to suggest an alternative to these options.  One of Not Taking it Personally (NTiP).  This is SO HARD and SO WORTH IT.

Picture this.  The snarky email arrives.  You wince.  Then you breathe.  You may go to compassion for the sender who is clearly suffering from some pain in his life, but then you move on to the facts:

  1. You’re doing the best you can with the tools available to you.
  2. You were intending to do it yesterday when the emergency project took precedence (which he is completely aware of btw).
  3. You were halfway through it today when you got the email.
  4. There’s no need for snarkiness, or apology because you haven’t done anything wrong.
  5. Which means this email has nothing to do with you!  Really!  It doesn’t!  So there’s no point in taking it personally!
  6. Now you can reply with warmth, or just not freezing cold, and facts and Peace. 

NTiP is freeing, empowering and energizing, but it takes commitment to practice it repeatedly.
The NTiP Formula:  Break through emotions > Get to the facts > ‘It’ isn’t about me > It’s not personal

It’s annoying that someone can treat you in an ugly way, but the adrenaline rush from the snarky response is nowhere near as satisfying as the energizing rush of knowing it’s not personal.