The Gems of You
The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.
– Epictetus
In my mid twenties and early thirties, I disliked people. At work, at the store, on the street. I had a circle of friends, but people in general disappointed and annoyed me. This was a problem not only for my own happiness but because I was in a leadership position at my job and, in hindsight, I was probably quite a pill to work for and with.
When I think back on this period of time, I wasn’t happy with much and I was seeing a therapist who told me I was in need of an overhaul. For years, every session was a litany of how I needed to change. I was too this and too that. I needed to change in order to be happy. I’m pretty sure I handed down some of the bullcrap she handed to me; it’s human nature to pass on the unpleasant. I cringe at the thought of my management style back then. After years under her abusive spell, I somehow had the wherewithal to leave this Svengali therapist. Thank God.
A few years after later, my Grandmother died. She was 92 and ready, but it was a devastating loss for me.
I found a new therapist to help me with my loss and what happened was miraculous. My new therapist and I started to undo the damage that had been done to me all those years. Every time I was self-critical, she held up a mirror to show me how my true nature was a gift. My intensity, empathy, sensitivity – all the qualities that had been judged harshly for most of my life were now “the gems of me.” To be clear, the first time she said that, I literally replied, “Shit, now I need to look for a new therapist” because it was unbelievable. I didn’t believe her.
It was an unwinding process, peeling away layers of defense and anger and hurt, hurt, hurt to reveal my true nature of love, compassion, sensitivity of the first degree and I began to laugh and enjoy my life. I found vulnerability a comfort instead of a raw and painful experience. She made it safe to be fully Me without apology or explanation.
Some time later, I realized I didn’t dislike people. It was me I was disliking whenever I saw something in another person that reminded me of me.
I love myself completely now – my good and not-so-fabulous qualities. I have evolved and changed into a better person as a direct result of being shown the path to love myself as I am.
And the bonus benefit? I like people! I like the rude ones because I recognize their sadness; I like the angry ones because I recognize their hurt; I like the grumpy ones because I recognize how tired they are of not loving themselves as they are. I walk around wanting to hug people and give them the gift that was given to me.
This is an example of my intensity, sensitivity and empathy and it annoys some people. I can laugh about that now.
If your therapist isn’t helping you love yourself as you are, run like hell.