Same words, different meaning

“The quality of your answer is directly dependent on the question you ask.”
– I can’t remember

Did you ever hear yourself say something and think, “Did I just use an inappropriate tone of voice?”  Me neither.

I usually get that hot flash, cold sweat of realization when I’m called on it or when I hear my kid copy me.  (Wow that gets my attention.)  Usually I’m in a conversation and the pressure is building and in a flash I lower my standards “just to get through the moment.”  I excuse poor behavior because I’m thinking 5 steps ahead instead in being present in the moment.

Let’s look at some examples from annoying to cruel:
Nice shirt. (condescending)
Nice shirt. (genuine)

Is the report done? (condescending)
Is the report done? (genuine)

Why did you do that? (condescending)
Why did you do that? (genuine)

Notice how the intensity of meaning increases with the examples.  There are implied statements in all cases, but the last one cuts the deepest.  It’s clear the condescending person has already decided why you did that and that your reasons were idiotic.  You’ve just been called an idiot.  There’s no room for conversation, which means there’s no opportunity for building trust and understanding.  This eliminates the possibility for partnership, which leaves the organization in silos.  Like those lonely towers filled with corn on the plains of Iowa.

My intention is to be a cool cucumber at all times and never use a snotty, condescending or patronizing tone of voice.  I can hear you all laughing because it’s just not possible to be a robot if you’re a human being.  We’re lucky to be human.  Our emotions are gifts to be managed with compassion and commitment.  I’d even go so far as to say it’s our responsibility, for peace on earth!, to manage our emotions with compassion and commitment.

All it takes is to think before you talk.  It’s one of the hardest commitments to maintain and when you have compassion for how hard it is, it becomes easier to maintain.  (Say that 10 times fast.)  Seriously, compassion for the challenge makes the challenge less difficult.

Tone of voice makes a huge difference in communication at work, at home, at the grocery store.  Wherever you communicate, bring compassion to your commitment to think before you speak.  The rewards will be worth it.