Making room for life

“If we wish to know about a man, we ask ‘what is his story–his real, inmost story?’–for each of us is a biography, a story.”  – Oliver Sacks

An old friend and I recently reunited.  During our first brunch together after a few years hiatus, I told her of the perfect storm I had lived through; when my mother was dying, my son was a baby and my job was toxic.  I had been a robot going through the motions to keep my heart from exploding and a roof over our heads.  My friend was stunned to learn all I had been going through and also very hurt about being shut out.

I understand her hurt.  She’s a very loving person, warm and caring and likes to help others.  And that’s exactly what I didn’t need at the time.

There were many people who needed to know what was going on with my mother, from relatives to coworkers to my mom’s friends, and the steady queries of “How is she?” was exhausting.  Each time I answered, I relived the pain of the latest news. I knew the queries were well intentioned, so I wanted to honor that, but it became untenable.  My sister started sending mass emails to proactively answer questions and also set the parameters of communication.  What a blessing.  But I didn’t feel right forcing the information on everyone I knew.  The emails covered almost 3 years of courage and beauty juxtaposed with excruciating news, pain and tragedy.  Who wants to hear about that, and for that long?  Not even I did!  It’s not like all my friends even knew my mom. I didn’t add anyone to the distribution list.  Every now and again I forwarded an email to a small group, but mostly I focused on staying afloat and seeking out joyous moments.

Looming death certainly teaches one to stay present and grateful, that’s for sure.  I had no room for feeling hurt about being left out of an event or meeting.  And that’s why I’m writing this.

I learned, and constantly relearn, that when I can be Present and Grateful, I don’t feel left out or hurt.  I don’t take things personally.

Offices are filled with personalities and desires and egos and dreams. There are a thousand perceived hurts flying around; people are ducking out of the way and some are hurling insults back.  There’s a whole lot of taking things personally going on.

When an interaction hurts me, it’s usually because I’m taking it personally; my default is to make Me the cause of a their bad behavior.  Maybe I did do something offensive, maybe I didn’t.  I can take responsibility for their attitude or I can chalk their behavior up to the fact that they may be constipated, and go on with my day (grateful my digestion is working nicely).

The human condition is so multi-layered and complex. We really don’t know what’s going on underneath the surface of a perceived slight.  We only know ourselves (and even that can be tricky). But we do have the choice of how to experience this moment.

As for me?  I hereby reaffirm my commitment to myself (this is a gift to Me), to make room for life’s ebbs and flows and to stay Present and Grateful for what is, in this moment.