Are you disappointed in me?

I disappoint people all the time.

“I have 5 minutes to talk and then I need to work/sleep/brush teeth/feed my child/pick up my child from school/drop off my child at school/food shop/run errands/shower/read to my child/draw with my child/give him a bath/clean/do the laundry/do the dishes/make dinner/make lunch/make breakfast/make a card to go in his lunchbox/dry my hair/put on make up/get dressed/go on a date/pay the babysitter/get in pajamas/put away the laundry/put away the dishes/write the food list/pay bills/check the mail/file papers/fill the car with gas/buy socks and shampoo/call my Dad/check my email.”

Every now and again, I have time after 9pm to chat for more than 5 minutes.  It’s a luscious treat to gab with a friend about life, meaning, kids, work and romance.  It’s a gift and I don’t take it for granted.  I’m selective about with whom I share these precious moments.

One thing is for sure.  There are no more friends in my life who are judgmental.  No more friends who get angry because I’m “never available.”  And no more friends who take without appreciation.

My true friends are a small group of real people who understand and appreciate, and in some cases share, what my life is about.  They are not all women, or parents, or self employed.  They run the gamut in age, gender, sexuality, work types, religion, and life experience.  They come in many flavors.

• Some make me laugh all the time, even at hard things.
• Some are light and breezy.
• A few are intensely introspective like me.
• Some share my love for woo woo.
• Some sit by me as I cry and hold my pain with me.
• A few see all of me (and like me anyway).
• Some of them know each other, and some don’t.
• Some I connect with almost daily, some every few weeks or months.
• Some are nearby and some are in far away countries.

I am grateful to have such a wonderful circle of love in my life.

It’s taken me a long time to learn how to be honest and kind and accepting and loving.  I mean of myself!  I used to twist myself into a pretzel to “fit in” (code for hiding so I wouldn’t feel vulnerable) and often left a dinner or party feeling empty and sad.  One day I decided to talk about a session with an intuit and I let my dining companions laugh.  I loved myself enough to see that their laughter was a reflection of their fear, not my truth.  And it set me free to find friends who would stand beside me.

Relaxing into me has also made me a more effective Leader.  Now I spend time on leading, not on trying to hide something about myself.  Living in fear of rejection is exhausting, distracting and a waste of energy.  The only antidote is to embrace yourself with love and kindness and go out with your head held high.

That and a few real friends.