The 1 to 4 ratio

When I see people emptying the garbage in the subway stations, I thank them.  They always look at me with a perplexed expression and then a huge smile takes over.

Why do I thank them?  Because they’re working hard to keep my station clean (talk about a thankless job) and I appreciate it.  I know they get paid to do their job, but isn’t the best thank you an unexpected one?  When someone calls out the obvious-it’s-part-of-the-job stuff, doesn’t it make you feel a bit tingly that someone has acknowledged that you are trying?

There’s a saying in parenting that for each negative feedback you give (stop that!), you need to give 4 praises to balance it out (awesome listening, super clean up, nice turning off the light, excellent putting down the toilet seat).  It goes a long way, this 1:4 balancing act.  The kid continues to put down the toilet seat to get that happy comment, which is fabulous for you in the middle of the night.  But it also guides him to do internal positive reinforcement.  “Hey, I put down the toilet seat.  Go me!”  This quiet confidence trickles into positive interpersonal skills and communication.  He’ll tell his friend “Hey, that was good putting down the toilet set!”

Managing a direct report is no different. Go ahead, give constructive feedback so the associate can grow and learn (hmm, next time consider what they’re going through before you assume the worst). But don’t forget to look for, actively look for, 4 occasions to praise (the way you worded that email was effective, I’m hearing terrific things about your communication style, the way you ran that meeting was impressive, thanks for staying late.)  And even though you’re managing a grown up, we’re all kids inside.  She’ll start applauding herself and her colleagues.

Start it today and very quickly you could have a household and work force of people thanking each other, helping each other and cheering each other on.

Thank you for reading this:-)