Compassion Does Not Equal Doormat

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How can you be compassionate without being a doormat?
– Lourdes Welhaven, networkerforbusinesswomen.com

Last week I was interviewed on a radio show (link to come in a few weeks) and the host, Lourdes, asked me to explain how to be compassionate without being a push over.  I’m glad she asked because this interpretation never occurred to me.  I am so not a doormat.  And having compassion does NOT mean being one.

Let’s look at the scenario Lourdes asked me about.  She called it “the guy down the hall.”

A colleague is continually trying to undermine your success.  He sits down the hall and he steals your ideas, claims them as his own and takes steps to make you look bad every chance he gets.  What do you do?

Apparently Lourdes has a GDH (guy down the hall), so first let’s take a moment to send Lourdes strength. Pause.  Thank you.  She needs it because this is an exhausting situation.  Have you been here?  Are you here now?  I have and I can tell you it’s no fun.

Here’s the CM approach to the GDH:

  1. Don’t focus on changing him.  You can yell at him or hug him; he is where he is on his journey.  We can’t assume we know what someone else needs to do to be happy (and therefore nice) and, frankly, it’s distracting from taking care of ourselves.
  2. DO focus on You.  What do you need?
    1. Advocates.  Reach out to your boss and your HR partner and calmly state what you’re experiencing.  No defensive whining.  Just the facts, ma’am.  Consider putting these facts into the bucket of how inefficient it is for the company rather than how infuriating it is to you personally.
    2. Clarity.  Put it in writing.  You may never share these notes with anyone, but it clarifies our experience and fortifies our ability to speak with calm authority about the history of a challenging relationship.
    3. Authority.  Holding your head high and shoulders back, schedule a meeting with the offending GDH and calmly call him on his behavior.  If he denies it, state that if he persists there will be action taken.
    4. Compassion.  For him and for you.

i.     Feeling compassion for his struggle – what may be driving his childish behavior – leads to the realization that it has nothing to do with you.  You’re just the recipient of his own feeling of lack.  This makes it not personal which is much easier to manage.

ii.     Say it out loud to yourself or your non-work confidante.  “This is pissing me off!  I just want to do good work and this GDH is distracting me and dragging my name through the mud.”  Wow, that feels good.  It’s validating to state out loud what we’re experiencing because it’s undeniably infuriating.  And that validation is a release of toxic energy enabling the clean energy to flow and energize us.

If you have no advocates and the higher ups are enabling the GDH to thrive, then it’s time to start looking.  These peeps don’t share your values, so move on.  But in the meantime, still do steps b, c, and d.

This is very important.  Clarity, Authority and Compassion will help you get through the situation with integrity and confidence.  This is urgent because allowing oneself to be stepped on does real and lasting damage to our inner value.  We must be vigilant about stemming the tide of toxicity seeping in and take constant and focused steps to counter it.

Thanks Lourdes for this powerful question!

p.s. Lourdes can be found at http://networkerforbusinesswomen.com/