Have compassion for your emotions?

“Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.” 
― Bob Marley

“Every choice is a death.”  Oh how the truth made my head spin.  I was deciding between two awesome opportunities and I was stuck.  Both had value, both had challenges, both had enormous potential.  I followed my gut and jumped and was very happy with my choice.  I’ll never know if that path was better than the other one.  Sometimes I wonder at what might have been.

Loss comes in many forms.  A break up with someone who wasn’t right for you anyway; a loved one dying; buying one apartment over another.  Some will tear you down, others will burn, some are just quiet questions.  Some will be connected to a series of seemingly unending stings or worse (think divorce or illness).  It’s all loss in different forms and it can manifest as further loss – of innocence, of hope, of courage to persevere.

Here’s an idea for how to live with this endless supply of loss that this world hands us.

1. Acknowledge each loss for what it is.  Don’t compare each loss to the other.  There’s no value in belittling what you’re feeling and it won’t make you feel better.  Instead you’ll be beating yourself up for feeling sad.  Each loss has its own life; honor that.
2. Acknowledge the gain that came from it.  I know, this one is annoying as heck.  But it does help feed your rant and rave and ultimately leads you straight to gratitude.
3. Let the sadness flow through you.  Let the sadness have the space to breathe and Be.  It has a need to be heard, seen and valued just as you do.  Yes, I’m talking about your sadness.  It is here because something sad happened.  Let it be.

The whole “shake it off” approach is the opposite of what our feelings need.  The pain of a bee sting can be shaken off, but the idea of having something inject poison in your body without your consent is scary.

I’m not suggesting that each loss result in a Sarah Bernhardt performance of grief.  That doesn’t move you through the grief because performing is an external manifestation of emotion, not the internal experience you are having.  Consider getting quiet and truly feeling what you’re feeling.  It might be painful.  Let it be painful.  Then hold it with loving hands.  Comfort your sadness and pain.  Make it safe for you to feel it all by not judging or labeling it.  I promise you won’t break or explode or faint.  I’m not being sarcastic; I’m serious.  Our society is so opposed to truly feeling what we’re feeling that people are afraid to feel it.

A truth: We can’t expedite healing, but we can prolong and delay healing by avoiding our true emotions.

Another truth:  We carry our losses with us forever, as much as we carry our wins.  Each changes us and makes us who we are.  We are a different person than we were before that one, and that one.  The more we can own our losses, the lighter the load for the rest of our lives.

Have compassion for your emotions and let them breathe.  The more they feel safe, the faster they shift from fire to embers to quiet memories.