Insecurity Squashed By Love
Recently I was a participant in a moderator-training focus group. At the end, we were evaluated on our performance as moderators. I was told that I have a “big presence”. It wasn’t stated as a compliment.
I began to apologize for my bigness and say that it was something I was trying to control and then I realized this was far from the truth. In fact, it’s my bigness that makes me a great public speaker, a strong leader and a loyal friend. It doesn’t mean that everyone needs to have a big personality to be these things; it means that my bigness works for me because I’ve embraced it.
Let me say that again a different way.
After years of self-judgment and insecurity, I am happy being me. Big, intense, emphatically empathetic, and very not shy (I have a big laugh to go with my big presence).
The thing is, I used to be painfully shy. There was a time in 7th grade when we students were at a long table doing a project. I was face down into my project when I heard Mitch tell Randi that I had great legs. My face got red with shame that he said that about me and not her, my heart beat with excitement that this cute boy liked my legs and I was terrified. I couldn’t raise my eyes. I didn’t feel worthy of his compliment.
It wasn’t one potion, guru or self-help book that brought me to feel worthy of a compliment about my gorgeous gams. It was years of living and experiencing and getting pickier by the day about friends, romantic partners, colleagues. I dumped one horrendous therapist and found an incredible one, I weeded out some so-called friends and found loving ones, I left the toxic job and found the right job for me.
Because I like myself as I am, I can make smart and difficult decisions about my path in this complicated and demanding world. There are times when my insecurity shows up. I say “hi” and mosey along. She can join the ride, but she can’t drive it anymore.
When I told my friends about the “big presence” comment, we laughed together. I’m pretty sure I laughed the loudest.