Self-compassion has a high ROI
Self-compassion is something we rarely talk about and a very hard gift to give ourselves. So many of us feel unworthy of self-compassion and self-love and we don’t even realize it.
Below is an article that has had an incredibly positive impact on my life. It opened my eyes to how mean I was being to myself, but I wasn’t even aware of it. I made changes immediately and am much happier. I reread it as I need and it always gets me back on track. It’s life-changing, long and worth your time.
SELF-PARENTING 101
By Nancy Shainberg-Colier, LCSW, Rev.
“How would you treat yourself if you were someone you loved?” As a psychotherapist, this is one of my favorite questions. It is instinctive to take good care of someone you love. It is also instinctive to take good care of yourself, to treat yourself as someone you love. Unfortunately, it is this self-care/self-parenting instinct that we are trained to un-learn or disable. Luckily, self- parenting is a skill that can be re-learned, and even an instinct that can be re-awakened.
Most people understand the concept of self-parenting (at least intellectually), but there is a basic misunderstanding about what self-parenting is that generally renders the term (and the practice) useless. Contrary to popular belief, self-parenting does not mean parenting yourself the way you were parented (unless you were very lucky). Proper self-parenting (the kind I am proposing) is an approach that always includes some basic elements, without which it cannot be considered proper.
Betty came in a state of extreme stress and exhaustion. She spent the session telling herself (and me) that she had no choice but to take on the new project her boss had “offered” her despite already being completely overwhelmed at work and home. I asked Betty what she would say to her 17-year-old daughter if she were to come to her in this physical and emotional state and discuss taking on another huge project. “Obviously, that she has to take care of herself and pass on the project.” Betty said without thinking, adding, “But it would never get to that; I would never let her get to this point of fatigue and stress, so the conversation wouldn’t be necessary.” It was a no-brainer, a pure gut knowing. We both smiled, sadly, at the giant discrepancy between the way she takes care of herself and someone she loves.
Another client, Josh, who lost his job because his company went bankrupt, recently introduced me to his self-parent (and it wasn’t someone I would have wanted to meet!) For a solid hour, Josh scolded himself for being a failure and reminded himself that all his life choices were wrong ones, and this was why he was in his current predicament. He was not deserving of any compassion or understanding as these would only make him lazier, and laziness was part of what got him into this mess to begin with. Furthermore, his inner parent offered him no possible solutions to improve the situation but was quick to remind him that this was probably going to be a disaster. While this inner dialogue may sound exaggerated, it is in fact a tragically accurate account of what self-care is for many people.
Given that the idea of taking care of yourself as you would someone you love is so revolutionary, now would be a good time to take a pause and describe the kind of self-parenting behavior that is common and that needs re-training. While Betty and Josh offer two examples of disabled or bad inner-parents, there are a handful of popular varieties. Ask yourself: how do you take care of yourself when left to your own devices?
IMPROPER SELF-PARENTING
The “What Did You Do to Cause the Problem?” Inner-Parent
This inner parent is the one who is always ready to tell you why you were to blame for whatever bad thing happened. If you fall down and skin your knee, it is because you were running too fast. If you are angry because someone was unkind to you, you probably did something to annoy them. This is the inner parent who is never on your side and always takes the other’s side, regardless of who the other might be.
The “What are You Going to Do About It?” Inner-Parent
This inner parent is a variation on the blaming parent. But rather than telling you what you did to create the problem, this inner-parent goes straight to the list of things you need to do to fix it. Since you are responsible for fixing the problem, it is implied that you must have caused it. When you are sad because no one wants to play with you, you are instructed to act nicer and extend more invitations to people. When you feel insecure about your figure, you are told to go to the gym more often. Your feelings are yours to fix and thus deserving of no special care.
The “There’s Something Wrong with the Way You Feel” Inner-Parent
This inner parent is similar to the blamer but with a slightly different approach. This parent is the first to tell you that there is something wrong with you for feeling the way you do. When your friend decides not to invite you to her party and that hurts your feelings, you are too sensitive and that’s why you feel bad. When you are angry because someone mistreats you and doesn’t apologize, you are the one who can never let things go. Whatever the situation, your response is inappropriate or uncalled for and once again, indicates something wrong with you.
The “There’s No Reason to Feel the Way You Do” Inner-Parent
This inner parent is the one who is always ready to tell you why there is no reason to feel the way you do since your feelings simply do not fit with what’s “true.” When you are nervous because you have to give a big speech, there is no reason to be nervous since you have rehearsed it a thousand times. When you don’t like someone, it is ridiculous because they are a very nice person. Your experience is always invalid because the facts don’t support your feelings.
The “I’m Not Interested/You Don’t Matter” Inner-Parent
This inner parent turns his back on your feelings all together. Your experience is not even important enough to mention or notice. When you are upset, you might not even feel it or be aware of it. Certainly you would not take the time to bother acknowledging your feelings since no one is listening and no one cares.
These examples represent our starting place and wonderful examples of how NOT to self-parent. So, how would a “good” self-parent behave? What would it mean to treat yourself as if you were someone you love? While it might seem ridiculous to even pose the question, or to suggest that we need a manual for how to properly care for ourselves, regrettably, we do.
SELF-PARENTING 101
Let’s begin with a definition: what is this thing we are setting out to learn? The verb “to parent,” in the dictionary means simply “to be or act as the mother or father to someone.” It is presented as a task. The only synonym the thesaurus lists is “to be a close relative.” There is no mention of the qualities or feelings that might go with this task – no taking care of, no suggestion of comfort, protection, warmth, kindness, or any other qualities you might think would make a good parent. For many, the way you were parented and now the way you self-parent is, much like the definition, a task at the end of your “to do” list, and one that is also startlingly devoid of any loving qualities. So what are the rules for self-parenting? How do you do this thing called taking good care of yourself?
To begin anything new, you must become aware of what is old. In this case that means becoming aware of how you are currently self-parenting. What are the things you say to yourself when you are worried or upset? What is your attitude or tone when addressing yourself? Become conscious of the kind of self-parent that you actually are. Take the time to write down what you discover and read it back to yourself so you can hear how the words sound. Imagine saying these same words or using this same tone with someone you love. Once you become aware of your inner parent and how he/she takes care of you when no one is watching, consciously start practicing some new behaviors. It will feel awkward and maybe even a little ridiculous at first, but keep at it, your inner parent can and will change.
THE RULES OF PROPER SELF-PARENTING
1. ALWAYS TAKE YOUR OWN SIDE, no matter what. Make your default response (to you) something that starts with “You’re right!” Be supportive about how you feel in the current situation. Support your actual experience NOT the experience you think you are supposed to have. When it comes to your inner parent, make whatever experience you are having the right experience. Examples: when you don’t get the job you wanted, try: “You’re right! Getting passed over for a job can be really painful and feel so unfair. It really is hard to get a job!” When faced with a social event that makes you nervous, try: “You’re right! Going to a party can be a really hard thing to do and can actually take a lot of courage. You might start to have fun when you get there, but if you don’t, you don’t have to stay.” While these responses may seem obvious, silly, appropriate for a child but not an adult, lazy, self- indulgent, moronic (as many of my clients have described them), the truth is we do need to hear these things. We never outgrow parenting and we certainly never outgrow the need to be treated with kindness. What does change is our kind parent moves inside, if we’re lucky. But it is shocking to see how unnatural the “You’re right and I’m on your side” self-response is for most people. It must be practiced to become natural.
2. LISTEN TO THE WAY YOU FEEL BEFORE YOU MAKE A LIST OF THINGS YOU NEED TO DO TO FIX THE SITUATION. While helping you to find a way out of a difficult situation can be part of good self-parenting, it is definitely not the case when solutions are offered (or demanded) without first caring about how you feel about what is going on. When the solutions bypass caring about your experience, they just end up adding more stress and upset to what is already difficult. Separate these two parts of your inner response: how you feel and what to do about it. Your first response to you is to be curious about, listen to, and support how the situation feels. Then later (and it might not be in the same inner conversation) you can ask if there is anything that you can or want to do to try and make it better. Under no circumstances should you rush this second step. What is interesting is that usually just by paying attention to the first step of caring how you feel, the second (fixing it) step happens on its own without your having to do a thing.
3. NEVER BLAME YOURSELF. Blame is not an acceptable response for an inner parent. Be fierce about banishing blame from your self-caring routine. If you have ever watched a child fall down and hurt herself and her tears be met, not with the hug of a caring parent, but with a parent who angrily accuses her of being a klutz, you know how unacceptable this kind of response is. Remember too: not blaming yourself is not the same as not taking responsibility. In fact, until you have taken your own side by hearing how you feel, you cannot actually take responsibility in a productive way. For example, let’s say you made a comment to a friend that hurt her feelings and you feel bad about it. Your former inner parent’s response might have been “You louse. You’ve done it again. You are so insensitive, now apologize to her immediately so you don’t lose all your friends.” This is an example of a bad inner parent. While the good inner parent wants to help you correct the situation as well, it is from your side. The good inner parent wants to help you become more sensitive so that you suffer less and have more friends. Its response comes from a desire to help you not punish you. The good inner-parent’s response might be something like: “I know what happened with your friend is painful. Sometimes it is hard to say the right thing and we end up saying exactly the wrong one. You wish you had handled it a different way and probably are upset with yourself.” When your inner-parent is willing to hear about how badly you feel about what happened, an authentic and healing (for both you and your friend) apology naturally follows.
4. TREAT YOURSELF AS SOMEONE WHO MATTERS. Every good parent wants to know how their child is, what’s on their mind, what they are carrying in their hearts. Proper self-parenting means asking those same questions of yourself. It means taking the time every day to sit down with yourself, ask the questions and really listen to the answers. Proper self-parenting means that whatever answers you hear are welcome and worth your compassionate attention.
5. REMIND YOURSELF THAT EVERY FEELING IS A VALID FEELING. If you are feeling it, there is a reason for the feeling. There is no such thing as a feeling that is wrong or without cause. The gauge for a feeling’s validity is its existence. Don’t ever tell yourself that there is no reason to feel the way you do.
6. NEVER BELITTLE YOURSELF. Belittling yourself for making mistakes is a choice, and not an acceptable one. Remind yourself that it is the human condition to make mistakes, and that applies to every human, even you (and even that person you are convinced is perfect). There will never come a time that you or anyone else willstop making mistakes, and thank goodness, since mistakes are the only way we grow. What matters is not the mistake or the fact that you made one; what matters is only the opportunity for learning that lies within the experience. Mistakes are not opportunities to humiliate yourself, but just the opposite, chances to be proud of yourself for the way you use the experience to improve. Your only goal is to try to keep growing and make different mistakes as you go along.
7. BE OF COMFORT TO YOURSELF. Comfort is one of the primary responsibilities of a parent. Contrary to popular belief, comfort will never turn you into a slacker. Being tough on yourself and leaving yourself out in the cold when you are struggling or lost will not lead to growth. In any difficult situation, proper self-parenting means reminding yourself that no matter what, you are still loved.
8. ALWAYS CONSIDER WHAT YOU WANT. Oddly, we almost always leave the question “what do I want?” out of the dialogue with ourselves. Contrary to cultural messages, following what you want will not lead you down the path to ruin, just the opposite in fact. Proper self-parenting means always starting with the assumption that your basic nature and intentions are good (as you would someone you love and respect). It means encouraging yourself to follow what you want; since you are good by nature, what you want is also something good and worthy of your attention.
9. DO NOT SELF-INFLICT DISASTER. If you were on an airplane with someone you love (or your child) and they got nervous because it was a little bumpy, would you tell your friend/child that turbulence usually means that the plane is going to crash? Would you tell her that the bumpiness is undoubtedly the beginning of something terrible and terrifying? Probably not (at least I hope not). Maybe for example you would tell your friend that the bumps are usually just some crosswinds and after all, the airplane is specifically designed to handle the strongest of turbulence without any problem. So even though it feels scary, probability would suggest that you are going to be fine. Reasonable probability makes a far better parent (and self- parent) than disaster.
People spend their whole lives unaware of how they are taking care of or parenting themselves. They do what they know without questioning whether it feels good, or whether it is comforting or helpful. Some, on the other hand, spend their whole lives angry about the kind of care they received without offering themselves something different. There comes a point in life when you have to take ownership of your own caretaking. You have to become your own parent and this time, you get to choose the kind of caretaker you are going to be.
As with every change we make, awareness is the first step. Without awareness we can’t get past the gate. You must first learn to notice your internal dialogue and self- parenting habits before you can change them. With awareness, the word “NO” must become a regular visitor in your internal life. “No, I will not automatically take the other person’s side. No, I will not assume the worst about me. No, I will not bombard myself with what I have to do to fix the problem. No, I will not blame myself for whatever is happening. No, I will not discredit my own feelings. No, I will not talk to myself as if I do not matter. No, I will not belittle or shame myself for what I am feeling. No, I will not reject or ignore myself when I am upset. No, I will not always put myself last. And finally, “No, I will not accept being treated this way.”
The goal of the proper self-parenting method is to help you discover for yourself that you are deserving of loving self-care, and therefore to make the instructions obsolete. For once you genuinely care about yourself and know yourself to be of value, you will not have to practice or be aware of proper self-parenting as it will be instinctive. Just as it is obvious for you to treat someone you love with kindness, to be on their side, so too you will instinctively treat yourself with the same kindness. Mistreating yourself simply won’t be possible. Still, self-parenting often begins as a skill that needs to be un-learned and then re-learned.
The person you spend the most time with in your life is yourself. You are in your own company every day and every night. It is up to you, ultimately, to decide what kind of person you will spend your time with. Why not keep company with someone who loves you as opposed to someone who doesn’t? Any one of the nine steps on the list is a good place to start. With even the smallest degree of proper self- parenting, you will start to notice that you feel more relaxed, more loved, that you are more trusting, happier, and more alive. Proper self-parenting is like watering a seed. You are that seed and with the proper attention, you too will start to bloom.
For more from the incredible Nancy Colier, check out:
http://nancysc.com/newsite/
and her newest book at Inviting A Monkey To Tea: Befriending Your Mind and Discovering Lasting Contentment