You Should Not Read This.

“The fact is, you have fallen lately, Cecily, into a bad habit of thinking for yourself. You should give it up. It is not quite womanly.”
– Oscar Wilde

Nothing will suck your spirit dry more than a “should.”  Shoulds are the evil voice of people who want you to be someone other than you are.  You may think that voice is your old art teacher, your horrible therapist, your boss or your parents.  But when you’re an adult, that voice is your own.

Seriously.

People try to “help” by suggesting ways to Be.  How to dress, where to live, what job to take, whom to date, what to eat, how to parent, whom to marry, why to marry, what sunscreen to wear…feel free to add your own.

This “help” is well intentioned and that’s nice sometimes.  But whether it’s welcome advice or not, it’s what we do with this information that separates the unhappy child from the happy adult.

I used to buckle under the pressure of the Shoulds and either do the thing grudgingly or avoid doing it and feel guilty.  Neither choice fed my spirit.  I was so busy trying to please others, to win their affection by doing what they recommended, that I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I knew deep down what I wanted, but I was afraid of setting Me free.  What if I did what I wanted and failed?  Then they’d be justified in saying “I told you so.”  It took me many, many years to realize that if I did fail, at least I Did It My Way.  (I think Frank Sinatra made a bundle off that song because everyone wants to do it their own way, gosh darn it, and few of us have the guts to go for it.)

I propose that whenever we hear the word “Should,” that a flag go up in our gut and we turn that should into a more accurate word choice.  Below are some before and after thought patterns straight from my life.  Notice I start with “I” because even if 10 people suggested I should do something, it’s up to me to own this chatter in my head.  These examples read like this:
The should. (How it makes me feel.)
The revised should. (How I feel now.)

I should read that book. (I never want to read again.)
I keep hearing that book is awesome. (I’m going to download it tonight!)

I should stay up on current trends in my industry. (What a chore.)
I’ll get the online version so I can save paper. (Now I don’t feel guilty about reading just the headlines.)

I should exercise every day. (My body is not rock hard and therefore doesn’t meet society’s expectation.)
It’s a smart choice to exercise.  What would feel good to me? (Good?  Oh, ok. I feel pretty again.  Hi yoga.)

I should make time for myself. (PRESSURE!)
I like to read. (I’ll designate Tuesday nights for reading so I have the choice.)

The language we choose is a door to freedom of the spirit.  It’s a path to our deepest knowing and most joyous life.  It’s up to us to choose our words wisely and honor our heart in our day to day.

May you find the path that nurtures you.